The best gift you can give your angry child…yourself!

The best gift you can give your angry child…yourself!

By Josh Grover MA, IMHC #6268

Angry kids can be very difficult for a parent to handle. If you have one, that probably sounded like the understatement of the century! Kids are usually angry for a very good reason, whether it’s the confusion of living in a broken home, not feeling like they have a voice, not having good boundaries at home or feeling like they don’t fit in. Unfortunately many kids (and many adults) have not learned how to productively express their anger with whom or what they are angry. Because of this, their anger comes out “sideways” and can be damaging to anyone in the way. It’s like someone who kicks the dog because they had a bad day at work.

Angry children can be good at making adults infuriated. “If I can’t get what I want, at least I can get under mom’s skin!” To have this type of power in Mom or Dad’s life may feel good to some kids, especially those who regularly feel powerless. There is usually some satisfaction in knowing that mom or dad is affected by the child. When mom or dad is upset, it lets the angry youngster know that the parent cares about him or her even though the response from them is a negative one. You see, a child innately knows that any emotional response from the parent is better than nothing. Many kids are acting out as a cry for emotional support and affection. They (like the rest of us) need to know that they belong and are loved. They have not yet developed the security and skills necessary to simply ask for what they need, your loving affirmation.

The solution to this problem is to give your child the gift of yourself in moments when they are not acting out. Initiating time and connection with your children lets them know you love them and that they don’t have to reach out in negative ways. This positive reinforcement from you will begin to create a good cycle of care and affection. It will also short circuit the negative cycle going on in the home. If you are already doing this with your child, good job! Keep it up. This will help your child to develop a strong sense of self and the ability to deal with whatever life throws at him or her. If you currently have a negative cycle going on in the home, give positive initiation with your child a shot. Don’t be discouraged if it’s not accepted the first or even second time around. They may not know what to do with you at first. Remember you are the parent! It’s your job to begin this process with your child even though it can be extremely difficult to want to do this with an angry person.

Here are a few more tips in relating with your angry child:

1. Always be consistent with them. If you say you’re going to do something, follow through with what you say. Confusion occurs and boundaries are blurred for a child when the parents don’t model consistency.

2. Tell them you love them. Don’t just assume that they know. This may be very difficult for you if your parents never verbalized it to you. However it does not alleviate your responsibility. If you truly feel it, why not say it?

Finally, your relationship with your child is the most important one they’ve had up to this point in life. You can give them the tools through your connection with them to be well adjusted, confident and caring individuals, but this does not come naturally, it takes time, patience and willpower. Withholding yourself from your child can come naturally, and is a very subtle form of abuse called neglect. Like other forms of abuse, neglect is extremely harmful and usually produces anger or depression in a child. Be aware of what you are doing. Show your care for your child, it is the best thing you can do for them.

Josh Grover is a counselor serving the greater Orlando area. Contact him at 407.340.3020